What to do when you lose a Daniel
by Ruthie
Summary: Easy steps to help you find your wandering archaeologist.
1. Default Chapter

Title: What to do when you lose a Daniel

Rating: PG -13 (Minor Language, Implied adult situations)

Summary: Some easy steps on how to find your Daniel Jackson. 

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine, they are the property of MGM Worldwide, Gekko Film Corp, ShowTime and Brad Wright. Please don't sue me, I'm skint anyhow. 

Spoilers: None!

****

Challenge #1,982   
Write a story using the title:

'Instructions on what to do when you lose a Daniel.'

~What to do when you lose a Daniel~

By Ruth

**********

"Ah, for crying out loud! Where the hell is Daniel?" 

"I'm not sure, sir – he was here a second ago!" 

"Agh! Right, its time for operation 'What to do when you lose a Daniel." 

"Step 1." 

"Scream 'DANIEL!' as loud as you possibly can, preferably in a group of people, for as long as you can." 

"DDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLL?"

"Nope, sir. Nothing." 

"Right, looks like it's time for step 2, Major." 

"Scream 'COFFEE!' as loud as you possibly can, preferably in a group of people, for as long as you can." 

"CCCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" 

"Nope." 

"Jeez, that one normally works!" 

"Time for step 3, sir."

"Right. Step 3. Scream 'ROCKS!' as loud as you possibly can, preferabl…" 

"Sir, its ARTEFACTS." 

"I know, Major. ROCKS! is just easier to say."

"Ah." 

"AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFAAAAAACCCCCCCCTTTTTTSSSSSSS!" 

"Nope." 

"Alright, looks like its time for step 4." 

"HEY DANIEL! CARTER'S STEALING YOUR COFFEE!" 

"Nothing?" 

"Not a sound, O'Neill." 

"Dammit! We've never had to go past step five before now. Step 4 normally gets him!" 

"Yeah, well last time it 'normally got him' I ended up being chased around the planet by him, all the while I was trying to explain to him that I didn't really have his coffee, and that it was just a ploy to get him back. You were a fat lot of help, just sat there laughing your butt off." 

"Ha…sorry?" 

-Slap-

"Ow!" 

"O'Neill, we were about to commence with step five." 

"Ah, yes, Teal'c. This requires a great deal of skill and cunning." 

Teal'c nodded. 

Jack fired his AK-47 into the air and kept doing so for a few seconds. Nothing happened. 

"Dammit, Daniel! Those had better be some damned good rocks you've found!" 

"Uh…sir?" 

"I have a feeling we've missed out the most important part." 

"Major?" 

"Try contacting him on the radio, Colonel." 

"Ah. Of course, Major, I was just testing you." 

-Snigger-

"Did you just snigger at me, Major?" 

"No, sir!" 

-Snigger poorly disguised as coughing/sneezing fit-

"Oh, ha ha." 

"Yep, it was pretty funny." 

"Daniel, come in? This is a very pissed off Jack, Daniel, COME IN!" 

"Sir, what do we do now?" 

"Major?" 

"Well, sir, we've never had to go beyond step 5 before, sir." 

"Ah. I think it's time for some more drastic measures for step 6." 

"Such as?" 

-Whispers to Teal'c-

-Teal'c sniggers-

"Uh…Jack?" 

-More sniggering-

"Colonel, why don't I like the sound of that?"

"Just stand still, Major." 

"No!" 

"Major!" 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" 

-Slap-

"Tell me that worked!" 

"It did not, Major Carter." 

-Slap-

"Ow! Major Carter, that was most painful." 

"Ok, Carter, its time for step 7 now. Any ideas?" 

"Definitely not a repeat of step 6, sir." 

"Oh, c'mon, Carter. Ya have to admit that was pretty funny!" 

-Slap-

"Ok, maybe not." 

"We should go and look for him, sir." 

"That's a good plan, Major. Never know if he's got hooked up with some alien gal."

-1 hour later-

"Ok, so no alien gal. Now what?" 

Teal'c grinned. 

"I believe I have an idea, O'Neill." 

"Shoot, Teal'c." 

-Whispers to Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill-

(In unison) "NO!" 

"I believe it would be a sufficient enough shock to bring him away from his artefacts, O'Neill." 

"Ah well, Couldn't hurt, Major." 

-Slap-

"Please? Then we can go home and I'll buy us all a pizza…" 

-Glare-

"Or dinner, or something. Deal?" 

"Deal." 

"Then let step 8 commence!" said Teal'c. 

********** 

Daniel looked in wonder at the artefacts in front of him. It was then, whilst he was deep in thought (and trying to ignore his teammates' attempts to find him) that he heard Teal'c speaking. 

"O'Neill! Major Carter!" 

"Uh…sorry, Teal'c." 

"Yeah."

"In that case, I will leave the two of you in peace." 

"Hey. Now we're all alone." 

-Amorous sounding giggle- 

Daniel shuddered. He must have been imagining that. 

"Take it off, Major." 

"No, sir, it breaks the regs!" 

"I don't give a damn, now take it off!" 

"But sir, we're supposed to be finding Daniel." 

Daniel smiled. Sam was concerned for him. 

"Screw him," said Jack. 

Daniel gasped. He was going to sort them out right then and there, he was going to-

It only occurred to Daniel once he had stood up that if Jack and Sam were doing what had been implied that it would be bad of him to interrupt them, but by then it was too late. 

Sam sat on the ground, giggling. Teal'c appeared to be equally amused, but Jack just looked annoyed. 

"Where ya been, Danny Boy?" he asked. 

"Well, you see, I found these really interesting r…artefacts dating back to the Mayan era…………" 

-Yawn-

THE END

Please send feedback! Ruthie :) 

Mailto: samcarterusaf@yahoo.co.uk 


	2. What to do when your CO won't stop snori...

Title: What to do when your CO won't stop snoring  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Summary: Some easy steps on how to stop your CO from snoring.  
  
Spoilers: None!  
  
Author Notes: 2nd in the 'What to do when...' series  
  
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  
  
~What to do when your CO won't stop snoring ~  
  
By Ruth  
  
Copyright (c) 2003, Ruth  
  
**********  
  
Sam groaned as she rolled over in her sleeping bag and tried to shut out the incessent droning of her Commanding Officer's nasal passages.   
  
He was snoring. Very, very loudly.  
  
"Daniel?" she asked softly, "Are you asleep?"  
  
"Of course not," he grumbled, "It sounds like a foghorn's being let off!"  
  
"Teal'c?"  
  
"I am awake, Major Carter. I believe you should try to stop him from making such disagreeable noises."  
  
"But don't wake him up," Daniel stressed.  
  
"Oh, I see! I have to stop him, therefore I will get court martialed if he does wake up?" Sam asked.  
  
"Yup," Daniel said, and Teal'c nodded. "Stage one - poke him in the back."  
  
Sam leant over and poked Jack in the back. He gave an indignant grunt and rolled over, quieting for a while.   
  
"Thanks, Sam," Daniel said, laying back in his sleeping bag and closing his eyes.  
  
Not five minutes had passed before the snoring started up again.   
  
"Agh!" Sam groaned, poking him again. This time it did nothing. "We need step 2, Daniel."  
  
"Step 2 - poke him again?"  
  
"I've already done that - we'll have to do 3."  
  
"Step three," Teal'c dictated, "Pour cold water over his head."  
  
Sam smarted. "I'm not doing that! He'll wake up and kick my ass!"  
  
"Look," Daniel said, "Do you want him to stop snoring, or not?"  
  
"Okay, okay," Sam said, going to her water bottle and unscrewing the cap. She leant over Jack and poured a little of the liquid onto his head.  
  
He groaned in his sleep, sneezed and turned over. The tent was quiet again.  
  
"Good ol' step 3," Daniel smiled, closing his eyes and sinking back into peaceful oblivion.  
  
Not four minutes had passed before the snoring started up again.  
  
"Aagghh!" Daniel cursed, "For goodness' sake, we have to stop him from doing this!"  
  
"Step 4," Teal'c said, "Prevent him from turning over onto his back."  
  
"How am I supposed to do that?" Sam squeaked.  
  
"Prop him up with our bags," Daniel suggested, crawling out of his sleeping bag and tossing his pack to Sam.  
  
"Okay," she said, "This had better work."  
  
After five minutes, Sam had successfully piled up all of their bags against Jack's back and settled down into her own sleeping bag, praying for some peace. Daniel and Teal'c did likewise.  
  
They didn't get it.  
  
"Aaaggghhh!"  
  
"Step 5," Teal'c said, "Requires great precision."  
  
"Slap him," Daniel replied.  
  
"What? I can't slap him!" Sam protested.  
  
"Then I will gladly oblige," Teal'c grumbled.   
  
(Slapping sound, followed by continuous snoring)  
  
Teal'c began to panic. "We have never had to go beyond step 5 before, Daniel Jackson!"  
  
"I know, I know," said Daniel, "Let's try to stay calm."  
  
"Daniel," said Sam, looking at her watch, "It's 0230 hours. We have just 2 1/2 hours left of sleep before he wakes us up again!"  
  
"I KNOW! Please, people, work with me here. I need you to help me! Stage 6, stick a sock in his mouth."  
  
"Daniel, he won't be able to breathe," Sam said.  
  
"Precicely! Oh, God, somebody get me some coffee."  
  
"Let's forget step 6, just move onto step 7," Sam suggested.  
  
"I agree, Major Carter," Teal'c replied, taking off his boot and throwing it at Jack.   
  
Nothing happened. The snoring continued.  
  
"Aaaagggghhhh!" Daniel cried, clasping hold of his ears and rocking back and forth.  
  
"What's step 8?" Sam asked Teal'c.  
  
"There is no step 8, Major Carter. We have never before needed to proceed further than stage 5."  
  
"No stage 8?" Sam shouted, "There has to be a stage 8!"  
  
"We will invent one. Quickly." Teal'c said.  
  
"Okay, oh, - does he have his gameboy with him?" Sam asked.  
  
"Of course he does," Daniel replied, "It's like his bible!"  
  
Sam rummaged around in Jack's pack until she found the gameboy, which wasn't hard because it was a glow-in-the-dark model. She held it above Jack's head and slowly removed the batteries. As she pulled the first one out, his snoring quietened. She reached for the second one, teasing it out from the mechanism, and the snoring stopped altogether.   
  
With a contented sigh, Jack rolled over and went quietly back to sleep.  
  
"Step 8," Sam said softly, "Maim his gameboy."  
  
THE END 


	3. What to do when your jaffa has a grudge

Title: What to do when your jaffa has a grudge  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Summary: Some easy steps on how to stop your jaffa from killing someone...  
  
Spoilers: None!  
  
Author Notes: 3rd in the 'What to do when...' series  
  
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  
  
~ What to do when your jaffa has a grudge ~  
  
By Ruth  
  
Copyright (c) 2003, Ruth  
  
**********  
  
"Uh...Teal'c?"  
  
"Excuse me for a moment, O'Neill." Teal'c excused himself and made his way menacingly towards another jaffa.  
  
"Oh, hell!"  
  
"It's a jaffa revenge thing, Colonel. We should probably just let it run its course."  
  
"Oh, no. There's seven ways we can bring him out of this, remember?"  
  
"But, sir..."  
  
"Step 1. Use physical force to restrain him from killing said jaffa."  
  
Sam, Daniel and Jack ran over to Teal'c and tried to pull him away. Jack had hold of his shoulders, Daniel of his right leg and Sam of his left arm.  
  
With his superior strength, Teal'c managed to drag them through the dust quite successfully.  
  
Coughing up sand, Daniel groaned: "I don't think that worked!"  
  
"Step 2. Remove the offending jaffa in question."  
  
The three of them got up and tried to move the other jaffa out of the way, to prevent him from suffering Teal'c's wrath, but he was highly indignant and shoved the three of them in the nearest bush.  
  
"Godammit! Why can't he keep his grudges separate from work?" Jack muttered, pulling leaves from his hair.  
  
"Time for step 3, sir?" Sam asked.  
  
"Oh yeah. Step 3 - provide an interesting distraction."  
  
Sam and Jack were quiet for a moment, and then they both looked at Daniel.  
  
"Oh, what? Sam, please!"  
  
"Go on, Danny. I'll whisper what ya have to do."  
  
(Whispering)  
  
"WHAT?? I AM NOT DOING THAT!"  
  
"Quit your whining, Danny! Teal'c is gonna kill this guy if we don't do something soon!"  
  
"But..."  
  
"GO ON!"  
  
(Rustling in the bushes)  
  
Teal'c raised his eyebrow at Daniel but said nothing.  
  
"SEE!" Daniel shouted, "I TOLD YOU THIS STUPID IDEA WOULDN'T WORK!"  
  
"Okay, okay, get back in here and put your damned clothes back on!"  
  
(Rustling in the bushes)  
  
"Colonel, why are we doing this from the inside of a bush?"  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry, Major - do you have a better idea?"  
  
"Step 4, Colonel?"  
  
"Step 4 - attempt to sabotage the fight with distractions and violence."  
  
"Ooh, goody! I like this one!"  
  
"I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that, Major."  
  
Sam and Jack jumped out of the bush, whilst Daniel was still putting his clothes back on. Jack ran around Teal'c, waving his hat in his eyes. Sam grabbed a large branch off of a tree and whirled it around, sending sand and dust flying everywhere.  
  
"Tone it down a little, Carter!" Jack choked.  
  
"Sorry, sir!" she said, turning around and knocking Daniel over with the end of the branch.  
  
"Oops. Sorry, Danny!"  
  
"I think it might be time to try step five," Daniel moaned from the ground.  
  
"Colonel?" Sam asked, putting the branch down before she did any more damage with it, and keeping a careful eye on Teal'c, to make sure that he hadn't killed the jaffa yet.  
  
"Step 5 - make it appear as if Daniel is in danger."  
  
"Oh, Jack!" Daniel moaned.  
  
"Go on!" Jack said, "Go over there and pretend to be in danger!"  
  
Daniel grumbled and groaned all the way, but went to the other side of the bush and shrieked:  
  
"Teal'c! Help me! I'm in danger!"  
  
Teal'c paused for a moment, but then turned back to his opponent.  
  
"Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill are currently unoccupied - they will come to your rescue."  
  
"Godammit!" Jack cursed, going behind the bush, "Now we have to go to step 6."  
  
"Which is?" Daniel asked.  
  
"Pretend that I am in danger."  
  
"Hey!" Daniel said, "How come your being in danger is a step worse than my being in danger?"  
  
Jack shrugged. "I'm a Colonel. You're...not."  
  
"Well, what about me?" Sam asked, "I don't even get one." She put her hands on her hips and glared at Jack.  
  
"Daniel," she said, "What do you think - should we make step 6 into 'Putting Jack O'Neill in danger'?"  
  
Daniel grinned. Jack blanched.  
  
"Uh...Carter, you really didn't ought to do tha- AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!"  
  
Still, Teal'c did not move. Jack crawled out from under the bush, groaning.  
  
"Carter, remind me to kick your ass when we get back to the SGC," he groaned, rubbing his head.  
  
"There's still one more step to try, sir," she reminded him.  
  
"Ah yes. Step 7. Pretend that Apophis is in the vicinity."  
  
"HEY TEAL'C!" Daniel yelled, finally getting the Jaffa's attention.  
  
"Apophis is here!" Jack yelled, "He went thataway!"  
  
Teal'c took off in the direction of Jack's outstretched arm. Jack snorted.  
  
"Gets him every time."  
  
THE END  
  
Author's Note: Would you like a part 4? Then you know what you have to do... 


	4. What to do when you have a crush on your...

Title: What to do when you have a crush on your CO  
  
Rating: PG (Implied sexual situations)  
  
Summary: Eight easy steps on how to deal with a crush you're not allowed to have.  
  
Spoilers: None!  
  
Author Notes: Sam/Jack!! 4th in the 'What to do when...' series.  
  
Dedication: To NG, this was your idea, and you feedback me on every single story I've written, so this is for you! Thanks! : )   
  
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  
  
~ What to do when you have a crush on your CO ~  
  
By Ruth  
  
Copyright (c) 2003, Ruth  
  
**********  
  
Sam shut the door of her lab behind her and leant against the door, feeling a blush rise in her cheeks.  
  
No. This was totally not happening. She...did...not....have...a...crush...on her CO. No. Of course she didn't.  
  
**********  
  
"Step one," Janet said, "Get a friend to scream FORGET ABOUT HIM! As loud as you can."  
  
"FORGET ABOUT HIM!"  
  
Satisfied, she sat down at her desk and began to play with the nearest doohickey she could find...  
  
...  
  
Doohickey.  
  
....  
  
That was his word.  
  
"Agh!" Sam cried, slamming her fist down on the table. It was obviously time for step 2.  
  
"Take some time out - get out of the places where you think about him," Janet said, taking her friend's arm.  
  
They got up and went out of her lab, determined to clear Sam's mind of everything regarding her CO. Sam sighed in relief as they stepped into the empty elevator, and pressed the button for the twenty-second floor. There was no way he'd be down there.  
  
She stepped forwards as the lift doors opened...and walked straight into Colonel O'Neill.  
  
"Oh, hey Carter!" he grinned, "I was - "  
  
Sam smiled nervously. "I...uh...well, Colonel. I have to...um...go and....do something...in my lab. Bye!"  
  
With that, she was gone, leaving one very confused Colonel behind her. Janet ran off behind Sam, muttering a hurried apology to Jack.  
  
When they got back to her lab, Sam sank down on the floor and groaned. This was sooo not working.  
  
"Step 3 - try thinking about someone else," Janet said, sitting down and looking at her friend, who was lying on the floor.  
  
Hm. Who was as far away from Jack as it was possible to be? Hmm...ah ha! Doctor McKenzie! Yes, he was a self-absorbed, good-for-nothing, stupid, idiotic...hey - it was actually working! She wasn't thinking about Jack, or his beautiful eyes, or...  
  
"Damn!"  
  
"There has got to be some way for me to forget about this..." Sam muttered to herself, staring at her computer screen. It was then that she had an idea.  
  
"I'll be back," Janet warned, "Why don't you try step 4?"  
  
"Step 4 - work!"  
  
Yes. That was a good idea. If she could just get her head wrapped around her work, she'd be fine. Nothing like a 25-hour shift to clear all thoughts of one's commanding officer from one's mind.  
  
**********  
  
Unfortunately, she was only 15 hours into this shift before she was caught by Janet and threatened with death (and needles) if she didn't go home and sleep.   
  
That was Step 4 out the window.  
  
**********  
  
The next morning, Sam went into work determined to clean her mind of her thoughts and feelings for Jack. She avoided the commissary (the first place he would be in the morning, demolishing a bowl of fruit loops) and headed straight for Daniel's lab.  
  
"Hey, Sam!" he smiled, "Sit down."  
  
She did, and flashed him a winning smile.  
  
"Sam.." Daniel began, "Can I ask you something?"  
  
"Sure," Sam did thumbing the coffee mug that sat on the edge of his desk.  
  
"Are you avoiding Jack?"  
  
+Step 5 - Deny Everything+  
  
Sam laughed nervously, "No. Whatever gave you that idea?"  
  
"It's just that he said you and Janet met him in the elevator the other day and practically ran away from him."  
  
"I didn't," Sam replied, her fingers tightening on the mug.  
  
"Sam - you can talk to me, you know."  
  
+Step 5.5 - Under NO circumstances tell anyone else+  
  
"Daniel, I promise you, there is nothing wrong with me or j- Colonel O'Neill.   
  
I'll see you at the briefing, okay?"  
  
"Sure," he replied, very dissatisfied.  
  
As she walked back to her lab, Sam felt guilty. She hadn't meant to shut him out or hurt him - hell, she was doing her best to prevent that. She had half an hour before the first briefing - time to get some work done.  
  
As she turned on her computer, a small display flashed onscreen.  
  
YOU HAVE 1 NEW MESSAGE  
  
**********  
  
Sam,  
  
Hi! Listen, any more step 4s and I'll have you taken off of active duty, ok?? Step 6 - have a girl's night in! This one's never failed yet, girl! I'll see you at my place at 7pm. Bring cookies and James Spader videos!!  
  
Janet  
  
**********  
  
Sam smiled. That would work.  
  
**********  
  
The next morning, a very angry Sam walked into her lab and slammed the door behind her, narrowly missing Janet as she hurried in behind her distraught friend.  
  
"Sam, listen-"  
  
"It didn't work!!" Sam cried angrily.  
  
"I know, but..."  
  
"Janet, there's nothing else I can do!"  
  
"Well...actually....No, never mind." Janet began.  
  
"What?" Sam asked desperately.  
  
"Well...there is a step 7...but this is only for extreme circumstances." Janet explained.  
  
"Go on," Sam said, calming down a little.  
  
"I ask you this," Janet said, "When is a crush not a crush?"  
  
"When you've broken up?" Sam suggested.  
  
Janet shook her head. "Waaay before that."  
  
Sam thought for a moment. "When you're dating properly?"  
  
Janet shook her head again, and sighed. "Oh...Sam. I'm gonna have to tell you myself, aren't I?"  
  
"Yup," Sam replied.  
  
"When you both know how the other truly feels," Janet finished. "Step 7 - screw the regs."  
  
"You just made that one up, didn't you?" Sam asked, blushing again.  
  
"Hell, did I!" Janet grinned, "You go get 'im, girl!"  
  
So she did.  
  
***********  
  
Later that day, when a very happy Major and Colonel exited one of the SGC's many store cupboards, they hurriedly invented a step 8.  
  
"COLONEL! MAJOR! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??"  
  
Step 8 - Deny absolutely everything  
  
THE END  
  
Author's Note: Part 5? You know how to get it... : ) 


	5. What to do when nursing Jack O'Neill in ...

Title: What to do when nursing Jack O'Neill in the infirmary  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Summary: Eight easy steps on how to deal with Jack when he's in the infirmary.  
  
Spoilers: None!  
  
Author Notes: 5th in the 'What to do when...' series.  
  
Dedication: To everyone who has ever reviewed my fics - thank you so much!!  
  
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  
  
~ What to do when nursing Jack O'Neill in the infirmary ~  
  
By Ruth  
  
Copyright (c) 2003, Ruth  
  
**********  
  
Janet shuddered as she heard the piercing voice once more.  
  
"Doc!"  
  
Jack O'Neill had been incapacitated in her infirmary for just three hours, but already three of her staff had mysteriously been taken ill with colds and another two said that they were getting that way.  
  
She didn't believe them, but she couldn't blame them either. He was, by far, the most awkward patient in the history of awkward patients.  
  
"Step 1," she said calmly, "Talk to him."  
  
She left the sanctuary of her office and smiled sweetly at Jack. "Yes, Colonel?" she asked, "How are you feeling this morning?"  
  
"When can I get out of here?" he groused, trying to get out of bed.  
  
"Not for another three days, Colonel," Janet replied, forcing herself to keep smiling as she got him back into bed.  
  
"But I feel fine!" he moaned, his mouth twisting in a frown.  
  
"Would you like something to eat?" Janet asked, trying a good topic with him.  
  
"Hell, yah - but none of that crappy infirmary food," he grunted, picking up his yo-yo from the bedside table and beginning to play with it.  
  
Janet backed away from him, and then went onto step 2.  
  
"Step 2 - Shut him up with food."  
  
She went down to the commissary and picked up two different desserts, ignoring the looks she got from the people seated there. If they knew why she was really down there, they would probably all be filled with sympathy, either that or amusement.  
  
She went back to the infirmary and found that his bed was empty. Carefully, she set the food down on the bedside table and stomped after him, her mouth in a grim line.  
  
"Colonel?" she shouted, "Colonel! You get back in this bed, RIGHT NOW!"  
  
He meekly peeked out from behind a cupboard, holding the yo-yo in his hand.  
  
"But doc..." he persisted.  
  
"No buts," Janet replied, "I've got you some dessert - why don't you go eat it, and I'll see if Daniel can come and see you."  
  
That was following Step 3 - offload him onto Daniel.  
  
Poor Daniel was often roped into this tiresome and totally unrewarding duty, as Sam was usually to busy in her lab, and Teal'c would be deep in Kelno'reem.  
  
Jack got back into bed and pulled the cup of jello towards him, smarting slightly.  
  
"It's blue!" he said, frowning and pushing the cup away.  
  
Janet put her hands on her hips and sighed, very deeply this time.  
  
"I thought you liked the blue, Colonel," she said, clenching her fists to stop herself from hitting him.  
  
"Nooo," he moaned, "Carter likes the blue jello!"  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry," Janet said, taking the cup back, "Why don't you eat that pie instead?"  
  
With that, she hurried out of the room to get Daniel before she killed him, or before he told her that she'd got the wrong pie.  
  
**********  
  
"Oh, but Janet," Daniel moaned, "I've got some stuff that needs doing...and I think I might be coming down with a cold..."  
  
"Daniel, PLEASE!" Janet cried, "Don't make me get down on my hands and knees!"  
  
As if to make his point, Daniel sneezed into a king-sized Kleenex and picked up a pencil. "Sorry," he offered.  
  
Janet was getting desperate - it was time for step 4.  
  
"Step 4 - seek female help, as all males on base appear to be totally inadequate."  
  
She made her way to Sam's lab and threw herself down on her knees.  
  
"Oh, God, Sam!" she wailed, "You've got to help me!"  
  
Sam got down on the floor next to Janet, and helped her back up.  
  
"He's being a pain in the butt?" she asked.  
  
"Totally," Janet replied, "I swear, if he does anything else I will..."  
  
Sam held up her hands. "Whoa, Janet. Easy. I'm on my way - I'll stop first and pick up his gameboy."  
  
"Sam, you are a saint," Janet replied warmly.  
  
"Either that, or I'm totally out of my mind," Sam grinned, shutting her lab door.  
  
**********  
  
Five minutes later, she had decided upon the latter of her previous statement.  
  
Totally mad.  
  
She and Janet were nearing breaking point, so it was time to move to step 5.  
  
"Step 5," Sam said, in Janet's ear, "Give him the gameboy."  
  
Janet held out the small box and he grabbed it gleefully. He switched it on and for a full hour there was silence in the infirmary. Janet and Sam were able to have a conversation over their cups of coffee, when Sam suddenly began to choke.  
  
"Sam?" Janet asked, "What is it?"  
  
"We forgot step 6!" she moaned, as a resounding shout began to ring in her ears.  
  
"DOC!"  
  
"Step 6?" Janet replied, with disdain.  
  
"Have extra batteries on standby," Sam said miserably, falling forwards onto the table with her head in her arms.  
  
"DOC!"  
  
**********  
  
An hour later, after he'd been stuffed with food, Colonel O'Neill was showing little sign of improving his behaviour. All of Janet's infirmary staff had gone home with colds, and Daniel feared that maybe he was starting a bout of flu, so had gone home early. Teal'c even complained that his symbiote was nauseous, and that he needed Kelno'reem constantly for three days.  
  
They were all lying, of course, leaving Sam and Janet to cope on their own.  
  
"Could it possibly be time to try Step 7?" Sam asked.  
  
"What, you mean - close your eyes and hope that it will all go away?"  
  
"Yeah," Sam replied.  
  
So, Sam and Janet closed their eyes. For at least three seconds, they disappeared into blissful silence.  
  
"DOC!"  
  
Janet's blood began to boil.  
  
"Forgive me, Sam, but I feel that it's time for Step 8."  
  
"Step 8?" Sam asked, shocked, "Janet, that's harsh!"  
  
"It's also essential if we want to survive the next three days," Janet replied.  
  
"Go ahead," Sam said, "I'm right behind you."  
  
Janet went to the phone, and dialled a series of numbers.  
  
"Hello? Yes, I'd like to speak to the anaesthetist..."  
  
THE END  
  
Author's Note: Want more? You know what you have to do... :) 


	6. What to do when at the SGC Christmas Par...

Title: What to do when at the SGC Christmas Party  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Summary: Some easy steps on how to survive the dreaded annual event.  
  
Spoilers: None!  
  
Author Notes: 6th in the 'What to do when' series. Sam/Jack, Daniel/Janet  
  
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  
  
~What to do when at the SGC Christmas Party ~  
  
By Ruth  
  
Copyright (c) 2003, Ruth  
  
**********  
  
As Jack made his way through the crowds of already drunken airmen, he felt his heart began to sink, and he almost made a grab for Danny's hand to keep him from running off and falling into the punch.  
  
"Jack," Daniel grumbled, "You don't have to hold my hand!"  
  
Jack looked down in surprise to see that he had indeed acted on his impulse, and hurriedly released the archaeologist's hand.  
  
"I guess it's time for 'how to survive the Christmas party?'" Daniel commented, reaching for the punch.  
  
Jack dragged him away.  
  
"It sure is, Danny, and do you remember what the first rule is?"  
  
Daniel grumbled and looked at the floor.  
  
"Under no circumstances consume any liquid pertaining to be punch."  
  
"Exactly," Jack replied, and pulled him away. Just as he was doing this, a waiter approached him with a tray of canapés.  
  
"Ooh!" Jack said delightedly, "Canapés!"  
  
Daniel slapped his hand and grinned up at Jack.  
  
"That's double standards, dontcha think? Rule number 2 - under no circumstances consume any food pertaining to be a canapé."  
  
"Damn," Jack cursed, "You're right, Danny."  
  
"And do you know why?" Daniel persisted, "Because I tell you, Jack, there's..."  
  
"Gah!" Jack grumbled, putting his hands over his ears, "If you're gonna tell me that I can get tapeworms, I don't wanna know!"  
  
A nearby airman turned green and spat out the mouthful of canapé that he had just eaten, right into the face of the waiter.  
  
They made their way over to what would usually be the control room, but had been converted into a food and drink outlet for the night. There was tinsel adorning the computers and glitter was stuck onto some of them - Carter would have had a fit if she'd seen it. Come to think of it, Jack wondered, where in the hell was she?  
  
"Uh...Jack..." Daniel muttered, pulling on his sleeve, "I think we have a contradiction to rule 3 heading straight for us..."  
  
Jack turned around in time to see General Hammond's secretary - God knows why he had one, perhaps it was just for the purpose of this fic - heading towards them, dressed in slinky clothes.  
  
"Rule 3," Daniel whispered, "Stay away from the office secretary..."  
  
"Hello boys," she smiled, fluttering her eyelashes, "Can I interest you in a -"  
  
She bent down and whispered something in Jack's ear, that Daniel also heard.  
  
"No, thanks!" Daniel choked, and tried very hard not to run in the opposite direction, dragging Jack with him.   
  
"That...was...close," Jack said, "Let's get out of here. Level 18? That should be deserted," he mumbled, pulling his card key from his pocket and swiping it   
  
through the machine to open the elevator.  
  
**********  
  
When they reached level 18, they found that it was completely deserted, apart from some noise that they could hear from the photocopying room.  
  
Warily, Jack and Daniel approached the room. Daniel listened at the door, and managed to ascertain that there was only one person inside. Jack put his hand on the doorknob and twisted it, letting himself and Daniel into the room.  
  
Once there, they found that the sole occupant was Colonel Makepeace, who was photocopying his arse.  
  
"You're breaking the fourth rule of Christmas parties," Daniel scolded.  
  
"Look," Makepeace snapped, "You let ME worry about having to be extracted from it with a crane, wearing no pants, would you?"  
  
"Don't say that we didn't warn you when you're having your arse dragged out of the photocopier by a crane tomorrow," Jack said, in his 'don't say I didn't tell you so' voice.  
  
They exited the photocopying room. As they made their way down the corridor, they found themselves approaching the stationary cupboard, and there were very curious sounds coming from inside.  
  
"Rule 5 - avoid all stationary cupboards," Jack said, "And now we come to the most important rule of them all."  
  
"Rule 6," Daniel said, "Isn't that the one about never sleeping with co-workers?"  
  
"Y..." Jack began, but just then the elevator doors opened and two figures stepped out.   
  
Jack and Daniel turned around to see Sam and Janet walking towards them.  
  
Sam was wearing a long blue dress that matched the colour of her eyes and was perfectly trimmed to her slim figure. Janet was wearing a dress of similar make, but it was a deep red colour.  
  
Jack's jaw hit the floor, and Daniel's followed soon after. Janet turned to Sam with a grin on her face.  
  
"And you know what rule 7 is, don't you?" She smiled.  
  
"Pay absolutely no attention to rule 6," Sam finished.  
  
THE END  
  
**********  
  
Author's Note: Want more? Feed me! MERRY CHRISTMAS!! 


	7. What to do when trying to avoid going fi...

Title: What to do when trying to avoid going fishing with your CO  
  
Feedback to: jm-webmistress@fsmail.net   
  
Rating: PG  
  
Summary: Tips for how to avoid the trip of a nightmare.   
  
Spoilers: None!  
  
Author Notes: 7th in the 'What to do when' series. If you don't appreciate fart jokes, you probably won't appreciate this. You've been warned.   
  
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  
  
~ What to do when trying to avoid going fishing with your CO ~  
  
By Ruth  
  
Copyright (c) 2003, Ruth  
  
**********  
  
"SAM!"  
  
Sam jumped as her friend practically skidded into her lab and slammed the door shut behind him, pulling a chair up and sticking it under the door handle. He made sure that the room was totally secure, and then turned around to face her.  
  
"Daniel, what is it?" Sam asked, "What's happened?"  
  
"Jack…" Daniel faltered, "He's recruiting for his fishing trip! I tired to go back for Teal'c but…oh, God I think I was too late!"  
  
"Teal'c will look after himself," Sam said, "We've got to hurry. Quick, turn out all of the lights and come over here."  
  
Daniel flicked off the lights and ran over to Sam, diving under her desk. The two of them sat there and waited with baited breath. After a while, they heard the familiar thud of footsteps down the corridor.  
  
Daniel bit back a wail of fright and clawed at Sam's shirt.  
  
"Quiet!" She hissed, "Do you want to get us caught?"  
  
There was a knock at the door of her lab. Daniel and Sam froze instantly, hardly daring to breathe.  
  
"Carter?" his voice barked, "Carter, are you in there?"  
  
There was no reply.  
  
"Must be in the commissary," Jack said thoughtfully, and wandered off down the corridor.  
  
Daniel whimpered as Jack left and sunk to the floor in fright.  
  
"Sam, that was SO close!" He groaned, "He's patrolling the corridors - how are we going to get out?"  
  
"We have to try and stay calm," Sam said, "Remember, there are certain steps for dealing with this!"  
  
"Right," Daniel breathed heavily, "Step one would be, uh… group meeting?"  
  
"Exactly. Where did you leave Teal'c?" Sam asked. Daniel let out a little moan.  
  
"The commissary."  
  
"Part of me wants to go and get him out - but the other part knows what will happen if we're spotted. This is one hell of a dilemma, Danny."  
  
"Okay, so we've tried step 1. What's step 2?"  
  
"Don't panic," Sam reminded him, "It's the most important rule of all."  
  
"I'm not panicking," Daniel said quietly, "I'm absolutely…"  
  
There was a frantic knocking on the door of Sam's lab.  
  
"AAAGGGGHHHH!" Daniel screamed, jumping up off of the floor and running for the storage cupboard.  
  
"MAJOR CARTER!" Teal'c's voice hollered from outside.  
  
"On my way, Teal'c," she said, going over to the door and ushering him inside, ignoring the strange look she got from an airman on duty outside.  
  
"How did you get away?" Sam asked.  
  
"I realised that O'Neill was heading for the commissary and knew that I had little time, so I took a short cut through the ventilation system and came to your door. Why is Daniel Jackson in the cupboard?"  
  
"He thought you were Colonel O'Neill," Sam explained, "And we've reached stage 3 in the 'what to do when trying to avoid going fishing with your CO' plan."  
  
"Stage 3?" Teal'c said grimly, "The situation worsens. We have never had to go past this stage before."  
  
"Get sent home by Janet," Sam said grimly, "I don't think she's gonna buy it again. We did it last week, and even then she was giving me her look."  
  
"We had better not risk it," Teal'c said, going over to the cupboard and ushering Daniel out of it. "We must instead move onto Step 4."  
  
"Step 4? That's crawl through the ventilation system until you find a possible route of escape?" Daniel asked.  
  
"Indeed," Teal'c said grimly, "I believe we must try. Do you remember the time when we were stuck at the cabin for a whole 2 hours?"  
  
Sam shook her head. "I nearly lost my mind."  
  
"We cannot go through that again," Teal'c agreed, taking the grate off of the ventilation shaft, "I will go first, Daniel Jackson will be in the middle, Major Carter will bring up the rear. Are we clear?"  
  
"Yes!" Daniel squeaked, "Let's just go! We don't have much time left!"  
  
Teal'c squeezed himself up and into the ventilation shaft. Daniel was trembling so much that Sam had to help him, and finally she pulled herself up, covering the hole behind her with the grate. Then, they were on the move.   
  
"Uh…Teal'c? Sam? Have either of you given any thought as to how we're going to get out of here?" Daniel asked quietly, as they made their way ever forwards.   
  
"I…I suppose we'll just jump out somewhere," Sam said, "Damn it, I was in such a hurry that I forgot to calculate everything that could go wrong with this plan."  
  
"I think I'm glad that you did," Daniel said nervously, not noticing that Teal'c had stopped. He carried on forwards and barrelled straight into Teal'c's butt.   
  
"Daniel Jackson, I have stopped."  
  
"I know," Daniel muttered, "Sam, a hand please?"  
  
Sam grabbed hold of his ankles and yanked him out. The three of them fell silent on Teal'c's command.  
  
"We are directly above General Hammond's office," Teal'c warned, "And Colonel O'Neill is with him."  
  
**********  
  
"General, you haven't seen my team anywhere, have you?" Jack asked, as Hammond was busy sorting through a filing cabinet.   
  
"Sorry, son, I can't help you there." Hammond replied, busying himself with some papers.  
  
Just as Jack was about to leave the room, a tremendously loud fart echoed around the room. Hammond looked up in disbelief at Jack, who was equally distressed, and started pointing at the ventilation shaft.  
  
"It was the ventilation system!" he squeaked.   
  
"Next, son, you'll be telling me that the radiators are burping," Hammond said in disgust, turning on his fan, "Please keep your bodily functions under control, Colonel."  
  
"But!" Jack protested, making fish impressions and pointing at the ventilation grille, "IT WASN'T ME!"  
  
**********  
  
Up in the ventilation shaft, Daniel was almost dying. Given his close proximity to Teal'c's butt when the fart occurred, he was suffering the most. Sam was trying to muffle her giggles as she watched Daniel writhing and contorting in disgust, but then even more as she watched Jack try to blame it on the ventilation system.  
  
"Daniel Jackson, I apologise. It must have been those mashed potatoes that I had earlier."  
  
"Euurrrggghhhh.." Daniel grunted, getting on his hands and knees, "Can we just finish this please? Surely we must be able to move on to step 5?"  
  
"Not until we're out of here," Sam said, urging the weakened Daniel forwards, "Come on, we'll drop down at the next one."  
  
When they reached the next turn, Teal'c looked down to see what was below them. It was the infirmary. He cast a quick look around, and saw that it was empty. Janet was sitting in her office, but the door was closed. He was about to pop the grille out when Colonel O'Neill entered, and the three fell silent again.  
  
"Doc?" Jack called, "You in there?"  
  
"Sure," Janet smiled, "What can I do for you?"  
  
"Well, I…"  
  
The room was once again filled with a tremendously loud fart, and Jack narrowed his eyes at the ventilation system. Someone had to be playing a trick on him.  
  
"I see, Colonel. Would you like me to examine you? That sounded nasty."  
  
"It wasn't me!" He squeaked, "It was coming from the ventilation system! Didn't you hear it?"  
  
"I heard it alright, Colonel, and I'd be surprised if half of Colorado didn't. Come over here."  
  
"Godamned Airmen!" he cursed under his breath, and followed Janet.  
  
**********  
  
Daniel thought he was dying. Sam was collapsed in silent laughter, and Teal'c was hideously embarrassed.  
  
"Doctor Jackson, my apologies again. That was some particularly vindictive mashed potato."  
  
"Get…me…out…of…here!" Daniel gasped.   
  
Teal'c removed the grille, and levered himself down the hole in the bottom, followed by Daniel and Sam.  
  
"Maybe we ought to grab him an oxygen mask whilst we're here," Sam smirked, earning a glare from Teal'c.  
  
"Just go, now!" Daniel said, in a harsh whisper, "He's coming!"  
  
"Come and see me if you have any more problems, Colonel," Janet smiled understandingly, "And don't worry, this stays between the two of us."  
  
Jack snarled as he looked at the grille on the floor. So, somebody had been messing around in the ventilation system. He bet he knew who it was, and all.  
  
**********  
  
"Step 5 - hide in the stationary cupboard."  
  
So they did. All three of them, crammed into a very confined space. Considering Teal'c's bowel predicament, this was not a good idea.  
  
Jack stalked past the stationary cupboard, bumping into Lieutennant Graham Simmons.  
  
"Oh, sorry sir, I…"  
  
The fart happened again. Jack began to grind his teeth.  
  
"Right. That does it," he said, looking up at the ventilation shaft, "You wait till I get my hands on you, Siler!" he shouted.   
  
Graham looked faintly distressed.   
  
"Maybe you should get that seen to, Colonel," he said, holding his nose as he hurried away.  
  
**********  
  
"Get…me…out…of…this…cupboard…NOW!" Daniel moaned, falling out and collapsing onto the floor as Sam opened the door.   
  
"Step 6," Teal'c said, helping Daniel up from the floor, "Implore the use of Amateur Dramatics."  
  
"Basically, we have to be overly dramatic about something, to create a distraction so that we can escape." Sam said, dragging Daniel to his feet.   
  
"Do we have a cork?" Daniel glared, looking at Teal'c.  
  
"Daniel Jackson," said Teal'c, haughtily, "If you so much as think of inserting a cork into my…"  
  
"Whoa!" Sam said, holding up her hands in disgust, "We've got a mission to complete here, guys. Save your cork ramming for later!"  
  
They set off down the corridor, but Daniel turned around and pointed his finger at Teal'c.  
  
"I'm warning you!" He snapped.   
  
"I believe that I have an idea, Major Carter," Teal'c said, "We could pretend that you are in labour, and must be rushed off of the base immediately."  
  
Sam frowned.   
  
"Teal'c, that is wrong on so many levels, but I have two major quibbles with it. One, you are exploiting the fact that I am a woman, and two - I'm not even pregnant!"  
  
"You have a point. What are we going to do?" Daniel asked. Just then, Siler came around the corner and smiled at the three of them.  
  
"Hey guys!" he said. Sam hurriedly pulled him over to the side of the corridor, hearing Jack's footsteps approaching.  
  
"Siler, Colonel O'Neill is very mad at you, because he thinks that you've been hiding in the ventilation shaft and making fart noises. Actually, Teal'c just has gas and we have seriously bad timing. We need your help to get off of the base. Will you help us?"  
  
Siler looked at Sam suspiciously.  
  
"Major, what is up with you today?" he began, but then Jack caught sight of his prey.  
  
"You have approximately three seconds before Jack pounds you into a potato waffle," Sam said steadily, as Jack began to move towards them in slow-motion, "It's us, or the waffle."  
  
"Follow me," Siler sighed, running away with the rest of them.   
  
**********  
  
Jack stopped in the middle of the corridor. What was going on? All he wanted to do was ask his friends to come fishing with him and go, but instead he was being pursued by some eejit with a whoopee cushion and a grudge.   
  
"Carter? Danny? T?" he asked.   
  
There was no reply.   
  
"Bugger it," he said to himself, "I'll go on my own."  
  
**********  
  
"Siler, thank you," Sam said with a smile, "You've just saved all of us, and you."  
  
It was at that precise moment that General Hammond entered their hiding place and frowned.   
  
"May I ask what the hell you are all doing here?" he asked. "This is my private lavatory!"  
  
Sam glared at Siler.   
  
Daniel glared at Teal'c.  
  
Teal'c farted.   
  
"Right, my office - NOW!" Hammond roared.   
  
**********  
  
At his cabin, Jack sank back into his comfortable chair and smiled, surrounded by blissful peace. He pushed his sunglasses a little further up his nose, and held his cell phone closer to his ear, listening to his so-called friends getting the blocking of their life.   
  
"Thanks, General," he said into the receiver, and turned the phone off. "Revenge is definitely a dish served cold."  
  
The End  
  
**********  
  
Author Notes: Sorry this one's been so long coming, but 'What to do…' is back with a vengeance! Please send all feedback to jm-webmistress@fsmail.net 


	8. What to do when summoned by the Tok'ra

Title: What to do when summoned by the Tok'ra  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Summary: Eight easy steps on how to deal with the fatal summons… or avoid it altogether.   
  
Spoilers: None!  
  
Author Notes: 8th in the 'What to do when...' series. Contains some S/J  
  
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  
  
What to do when summoned by the Tok'ra   
  
By Ruth  
  
Copyright (c) 2004, Ruth  
  
"Incoming wormhole - Tok'ra IDC received, General."  
  
"Open the iris!" Hammond ordered.   
  
Jack winced and tried not to shriek. Daniel was down at the base of the ramp - too far gone to save. Carter was standing beside him. Teal'c? Where the hell was he? Ah - probably in the commissary, eating his way through the fruit bowl. He caught Carter's eye and they both effectively executed part 1 of their Tok'ra avoidance plan.   
  
Step 1 : Back out of the control room slowly, trying not to alert anyone to your movements.   
  
When they were in the corridor, Jack pulled a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket and looked at it, searching, as if it contained the answer to all of his prayers.   
  
"Sir, don't tell me you keep that thing with you," Sam smiled, "It was just a joke…"  
  
"A joke? A JOKE? Carter, you know as well as I do that whenever the Tok'ra arrive, something bad happens. Am I right or am I wrong?"  
  
"Well…"  
  
"I'm right! Come on, we have to complete step 2. If I can read what it says…"  
  
"Did you put it through the washing machine again?" Sam asked, struggling to keep up with her CO as he raced towards the commissary.   
  
"I guess I must've done," he grumbled, "I need to start checking my pants before I take them off."  
  
"Or you could let me do it," Sam smirked, walking ahead of him.  
  
He stopped in the middle of the corridor, a blush rising to his cheeks. He could tell that she had a grin on her face without her even turning around.   
  
"Carter, you always choose the wrong moment…we're about to be invaded by Tok'ra…"  
  
"We're not about to be invaded by Tok'ra, Colonel. You're trying to avoid them, which will probably get us all court-martialled one day because the Tok'ra, whether you like them or not, are a part of our job description."  
  
"They're also a part of my autopsy report," he snarled, "Cause of death: Tok'ra. And what are you laughing about?"  
  
Sam attempted to make a straight face but collapsed into laughter at the seriousness of his expression.   
  
"They're just the Tok'ra, sir!"  
  
"Just the Tok'ra? JUST the Tok'ra? Carter, this conversation is going nowhere fast. Step 2 is to round up Teal'c."  
  
"What about Danny? We can't leave him behind, he won't speak to us for weeks!"  
  
"He's too far gone, Carter, just leave him!" Jack said, stopping outside the commissary door.   
  
"Or, I could go down there and get him," She suggested.   
  
"NO! No, then you'll get sucked in as well," Jack protested, "Just come and get Teal'c and we'll move to step 3."  
  
"O'Neill, I concur with Major Carter. I believe that although the Tok'ra have led us into difficult and dangerous situations in the past, they are just the Tok'ra. I do not understand why you are getting your undergarments in such a confused state."  
  
"Knickers in a twist, Teal'c," Sam offered, still wondering how to calm her CO down.   
  
"I see," Teal'c replied, turning his attention back to Jack, "And what is Step 3?"  
  
"Hide," Jack said, "Deep within the bowels of this mountain there must be a sanctuary that can protect us from the horrors that await…Carter, dammit, I told you this is not funny!"  
  
Sam was almost doubled up on the floor. Jack grew so exasperated that he picked her up and threw her over his shoulder in a fireman's lift, proceeding to carry her through the corridor.   
  
"Colonel!" She said indignantly, "Put me down!"  
  
"No, Carter, you clearly don't understand how serious this situation is. We'll have to hide somewhere they won't be expecting us to…where could we go?"  
  
"You do realise, sir, if my father catches you doing this, you'll be scr…"  
  
He dumped her back on the floor, but didn't slow his pace. Even Teal'c was having difficulty catching up.   
  
"Would SG-1 please report to the briefing room."  
  
"AAAGGGHHH!" Jack yelled, pulling Teal'c and Carter into a nearby storage cupboard and slamming the door shut.   
  
"Great idea of yours, Colonel," Sam growled, "Now we're all stuck in this damned cupboard until the Tok'ra leave, which, by the way, won't be until we get to the briefing room!"  
  
"Damn it, Carter, shut up!" Jack hissed, placing his hand over her mouth. However, when she continued giggling, he knew he'd made a bit of a mistake.   
  
"O'Neill, please remove your hand from my mouth," Teal'c said, in exasperation.   
  
"It's dark in here!" Jack protested, "And if you two had taken me seriously, we wouldn't be crammed in this cupboard and we could have found a proper place to hide!"  
  
"What, like you did last time?" Sam asked, "Standing in a flower pot?"  
  
"Carter…" he hissed.   
  
"Shutting up," she complied.   
  
"O'Neill, what is to be accomplished in Step 4 of your avoidance of the Tok'ra?"  
  
"Step 4 is only necessary when we find out that Steps 1 through 3 have failed," Jack said hopefully, "We don't know that yet."  
  
Suddenly, an announcement came over the base speakers.   
  
"Would a certain SG team remove themselves from the storage cupboard on Level 21 and report to the briefing room immediately?"  
  
"D'oh!" Jack cursed.   
  
"Step 4?" Sam asked.   
  
"Step 4 is to try and make it out of the mountain, but I think we can safely assume that won't work. There's SF's guarding every door in here, and thanks to that announcement we've been caught."  
  
"Well, O'Neill, what must we do?" Teal'c asked, opening the cupboard door.   
  
"The second half of the plan moves into the: 'we have been caught' scenario, and focuses on how to avoid going off world. Let's go to the briefing room," Jack said grimly, marching off into the distance.   
  
Sam looked at Teal'c, and Teal'c looked back at Sam with an eyebrow raised.   
  
"Let's just do what he says," Sam said, in a harsh whisper. "It stops him becoming agitated."  
  
"WHAT?" Jack shouted from down the corridor, "Are you talking about me?"  
  
"No!" Teal'c replied, a little too hurriedly, "We are right behind you, O'Neill."  
  
Hammond laughed nervously.   
  
"I'm sure they're just taking their time," he smiled at Anise, who was not looking amused.   
  
"Indeed. As they always do whenever we arrive?"  
  
"It's nothing against you," Daniel said, trying to be diplomatic.   
  
"I do believe you're lying, Doctor Jackson," Anise said coolly.  
  
"Ah!" Hammond said, in mock surprise as the other three members of SG-1 entered the room, "Here you all are. You were doing paperwork, weren't you?"  
  
"Yes, sir," they replied in unison. Sam turned to Daniel and received a dirty look.   
  
"Step 5," she repeated under her breath, so only Daniel could hear, "Is to stay together at all costs."  
  
He nodded and sat down beside her, opposite Anise, who was very well aware of what was going on.   
  
"We have gathered some information about a new Goa'uld mother ship being built. We would like you to…  
  
Jack looked down at the piece of paper in his hands.   
  
Step 6 - Act instinctively. Nothing must be left to chance.   
  
"No!" He said quickly, trying to calm himself down. Anise shot him a hard look.  
  
"And why is that, Colonel?"  
  
"I mean, we still have a LOT of paperwork to get through, and the Tok'ra are much better equipped to…destroy things…"  
  
"You must partake in this mission!" she shouted angrily, "In the good faith of the Tok'ra-Earth alliance!"  
  
Step 7 - whatever you do, don't break the sacrosanct Tok'ra-Earth alliance.   
  
"Anise," Daniel offered with a smile, "We don't want to break up the alliance, we just don't want to…"  
  
"Die," Jack replied dryly.   
  
"And why should that happen? We have no records of this…."  
  
"Well, on your missions we are being placed in jeopardy, captured, tortured, killed…with alarming regularity," Sam said.   
  
"I resent the implication that the Tok'ra-Earth alliance I…"  
  
"Whoa," Jack said, confused, "Sam didn't mention the alliance. You just brought it up to make yourself sound more important, didn't you?"  
  
Anise's eyes flashed. Jack swore under his breath. Hammond gritted his teeth.   
  
"Colonel…." he warned.   
  
"I'm sorry, but my team and I are not willing to put ourselves through unnecessary risks EVERY time you come running!"  
  
"It is your job!" Anise shot back, rising to her feet and leaning over the table to glare at Jack.   
  
"It's not our job to get beaten up and kidnapped," he said, "And we're not your personal run-arounds. Do it your frickin' selves!"  
  
Daniel put his face in his hands.   
  
Sam looked at her feet.   
  
Teal'c raised an eyebrow.   
  
Anise was trembling with anger. Slowly, Jack leant sideways in his chair to whisper in Carter's ear.   
  
"I think it's time for Step 8, Major."  
  
She nodded.   
  
"If you'll excuse me for a moment, General," Jack smiled, "I have to get some of that paperwork out of my office…to use in this discussion…"  
  
"Quickly," Hammond barked.   
  
Jack got up from his chair and walked slowly to the door. Then, giggling like a small child, he ran away down the corridor and off of the mountain.   
  
Fortunately, they had a backup Step 8, in the event of Colonel O'Neill running off like a girl.   
  
"Backup Step 8" Sam mouthed at Teal'c, who nodded.   
  
Under the table, Sam pulled a small remote out of her pocket and pressed the top button.   
  
A large explosion rocked the briefing room, and it was filled with dust and smoke.   
  
"Anise? Are you okay?" Hammond asked, pulling the Tok'ra to her feet.   
  
"I believe so, General Hammond," she replied, looking around the room.  
  
The dust settled. There was no sign of SG-1.   
  
"Where have they gone this time?" she snapped.   
  
"Your guess is as good as mine," Hammond replied. "They must be getting desperate. They haven't blown up the briefing room before."  
  
"General," Anise shouted, "I strongly suggest that you discipline your officers! In the interest of the Tok'ra-Earth alliance they must co-operate with us fully on missions, not go running off, blowing up the briefing room…"  
  
"I understand this, Anise…"  
  
"Hiding in a flower pot! Last time, Teal'c put a lampshade on his head! Frankly, Major Carter should be searched for explosive devices before she enters this room and your second-in-command needs to learn to have some responsibility!"  
  
"Yes, Anise, I…"  
  
"And then," she yelled, continuing her tirade, "There was the time that Colonel O'Neill drew red spots on his face, Dr Jackson pretended to faint, Teal'c hid in the lift shaft and Major Carter blew up the commissary!"  
  
"Yes, I've spoken to them about these incidents, and…"  
  
"AND THEN! They chained themselves to the Stargate….  
  
THE END  
  
Author's Note: Sorry again about the delay for this one. Please send feedback to Any ideas about what you would like to see done in the next chapter?? 


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